Wa-la-wa-la-wa-luigi...

So I think I may have found a new song for Eric and I. Eric found it and immediately thought of me - probably because I am such a nerd - and I love it! It's by an independent artist named Sam Hart and the title of the song is "Mario Kart Love Song". To listen to the full song, you can check out the YouTube video here (I personally totally dig the yarn mustache!). Otherwise, I have reposted the lyrics for those who want to really read it over, you know, fur the full awesome effect.

---------------------------
Mario Kart Love Song

You be my princess
And I'll be your toad
I'll follow behind you
On rainbow road
Protect you from red shells
Wherever we go
I promise.

No one will touch us
If we pick up a star
And if you spin out
You can ride in my car
When we slide together
We generate sparks
In our wheels and our hearts

The finish line
Is just around the bend
I'll pause this game
So our love will never end
Let's go again

The blue shell is coming
So I'll go ahead
If you hang behind
It'll hit me instead
But never look back
Cause I'm down but not dead
I'll catch up to you

Don't worry about
Bowser or DK
Just eat this glowing mushroom
And they'll all fade away

The finish line
Is just around the bend
I'll pause this game
So our love will never end
Let's go again

The finish line
Is just around the bend
I'll pause this game
So our love will never end
Let's go again

To the mushroom cup
And the flower cup
And the star cup
And the reverse cup
---------------------------

Honestly. This is the best. song. ever. Thank you Sam Hart for filling my heart with Mario Kart love!

I'm such a nerd.

Dorothy.

This picture is of the grain elevator in Dorothy, AB which I took this summer whilst on an adventure. I have always thought that grain elevators must be lonely. For the longest time they were the tallest thing on the prairies - towering above almost everything else. A landmark, a statement and a testament to the will of the people and industry.

I know that this is yet another emo blog entry in a string of emo blogs (well, let's be serious, my last entry was July!), but I gots to write how I feel and right now, I feel pretty darn emotional. I just finished clinical and can now claim that I have been with babes within hours of the start of their life and with adults within hours of the end of theirs. I have always felt that I had an old soul, but it seems it is possible that my soul has aged even further. I feel enriched, but I also feel I gave a part of myself away - and I am all right with that. I was supposed too.

Just a lot to think about, and think I shall while I am knitting. For the third year in a row I am starting a scarf for my beloved. Hopefully this year I will finally finish, I feel more confident now that I have figured out the secret of keeping the edges from curling (thanks Grandma!).

With that final thought, I tip my hand to the world and say good night, fare thee well and I will greet you with a smile in the morning.

Inferno.

I'm rip roaring mad. Spitting nails angry actually. Check out this link to read an article in the Cochrane Eagle which discusses the new Code of Conduct created by Alberta Health Services.

Being a critical consumer of media (which in this age is mandatory), I did not give this article much credence until I read the Code of Conduct myself. Although the document does cover some important topics, there are a number of things I am unimpressed with. The best example is p. 18 Examples of Inappropriate acts include:

"engaging in any conduct that may adversely affect Alberta Health Services or its reputation"

If you think they are just referring to getting drunk in your scrubs and posting pictures of it on Facebook; you're wrong. Page 16, paragraph one states "Public statements on behalf of Alberta Health Services are only to be made by a designated spokesperson" and paragraph two states "If you are approached by the news media to provide information and/or interviews concerning Alberta Health Service's practices or operations, immediately refer all such requests to the Communications Department". Now in the case of a sensationalized medical case, such as the current H1N1 Influenza outbreak at ACH, that makes some modicum of sense. But what about other issues? What about the issues which are inconvenient for politicians to deal with?

If you are interested in reading on, please visit the Code of Conduct here. I have to admit, I feel a bit like someone pulled the wool over my eyes. By working in the region, I believe even as a student, I must adhere to this document. Yet, nobody asked me. If I am a valued member of the team, then how come I can not speak up? Oh I know I can call their toll free number... but what happens if they do not listen? What about taking it to the media? What about taking it to the public? After all, this is public health care which, at least in my mind, equates to a publicly ran business. If you can not accept that, how about the fact that it is publicly funded? Hmmm...publicly ran...publicly funded... so why do we have censor what is said to the public?

I am a huge proponent of acknowledging strengths as well as weaknesses. In fact, I try to practice my life by countering every negative with a positive; but with recent changes to our health care, this is getting harder and harder to do. The basic human rights of Health Professionals in Alberta are being contravened by not allowing us our right to free speech. This document strikes me as something which could be considered unconstitutional. What do you think?

And another opens.

It's hard to write down what has been upon my mind. Truth be told - I'm not really sure I know myself. What I do know is this: dirt between my toes is healing, physical labor is my new meditation and nothing looks sillier then a dog who is smiling, swimming and carrying her ball all at the same time.

Attached to this blog is a photo I took last Thanksgiving at my grandparents house. At the time the image was purely sentimental. Although that nostalgia still persists, when I looked at this photo today something more symbolic looked back at me. Unfortunately, my fingers fail my mind which fails my heart who speaks only in feelings. I will puzzle this out and promise that if an epiphany should fall in my lap, I will share it.

In the meantime I offer you this closed door.

I left my heart in San Francisco.

I don't have much to say tonight, but I thought I would share some of the pics I took while in San Francisco.


Golden Gate Bridge in the fog.


The "Lone Sailor" statue at the Golden Gate Bridge.


A friend and colleague.


Down around Fisherman's Wharf.

More later, stay tuned.

Ode to a Foot

Oh Foot! I am attached to thee.
Yet I am footloose?
And fancy free?

Foot, you have 5 toes
Face, why do you have
only one nose?

Foot you smell like shoe.
Shoe, you smell like sock,
which is not new. Pew.

Foot, I think you are neat.
But what is better,
Is that I have two feet!

The Robin exists and I am filled with hope.

I am filled with hope. Hope springs eternal. I think about this and ponder on the phrase. Hope - Springs - Eternal. I have hope, spring is near and eternal. Hard to explain really, but spring feels eternal. It is the season of hope and is thus always within the hopeful. Therefore, I am compelled to love spring and remain hopeful.

I have a book at home called "If I played My Life: Poems by people with schizophrenia". The Schizophrenia Society of Alberta - Calgary Chapter was heavily involved with the publication of this book, which was published in 1998 by Bayeux Arts Incorporated, who have an office here in Calgary. I present to you a poem which strikes me deeply.

Man's Works
I am to a healthy woman
As a fire hydrant is to a tree
The little yellow metal
Staunch standing water bearer
Short arms extended
Stands and waits while behind it
The Poplar branch
Births, has seasons
A woman emotes
Has suns and shadows
While I'm man made
A technical success
Who stands and waits
To feel, to become
If someone taps me, I respond
But life's sap doesn't rip
From my roots
To touch the sun and sky,
Through leaves which work
Radiant energy into life,
As my loving arms
Would hold a husband and child
Or my idea-filled mind would change lives.
I exist as a hydrant
Limitedly useful, but still.
-Elizabeth MacDonell

Now you may wonder why I would consider to use this particular poem in a blog about hope. It is very sad and more then a little tragic. Yet, when I read this poem and consider the strength it takes for this woman to be every day, to know her illness and still choose to live with it, I am filled with hope. The last line "Limitedly useful, but still." is silently triumphant. It is a banner and a cry and so very powerful. It says to me "I am not what I want to be, but I still am. I exist and thus am a being of substance".

I am inspired. I saw the Robin today (actually I saw two of them). Cheerful birds who wing their way around the treetops; collecting springs of twigs for their nests. Hope springs eternal!


P.S. 2 kitties x 4 feet each = 8 paws in total. 8 paws pounding the floor at mach chicken is very noisy. We don't live in a house - we live in a race track.

I can hear a Robin.

Somewhere in a tree very near to my house is a Robin. I know this because I can hear it. I cannot see it, but it taunts me nonetheless saying "Spring is coming" "Spring is coming".

This evening my husband and I actually got to go for a walk together with Keira. It was quite lovely to spend the time with him. The past few weeks (as every semester end is) have been nuts. Usually it is one or the other of us who takes Keira for a walk while the other is making supper or doing homework. This last semester has been undeniably the most challenging.

Half way through this semester I switched from caring from "lil'peanut" to just "little"... I am now on maternity. I have been getting all of the baby snuggles I could possibly want in and it is wonderful! I have been present for three separate births now; one cesarean section and two spontaneous vaginal births. Isn't spontaneous a funny word to use for that? I mean it makes complete sense, it refers to a birth that required no assistance. To my mind's eye though, every time someone says this I have this vision of "Voila! Look, a baby! Isn't that nice, just like that". It just kind of takes away all of the HARD work that went into that birth. Funny.

I thought it would be just the babies that I loved about this rotation, but I think I love the families just as much. I have worked with a number of different cultures and some really fantastic people. It's really quite amazing the kind of relationships you build in only 8 hours.

Anyway, seems these days that no matter where I turn there are babies. Baby shower for a friend, friend's babies who are no longer babies, and a new baby I have yet to meet, but already love. I think it is providence that a friend should have forwarded me the following link. I need to finish this degree first (and have a few babies of our own!) but then I think I am going to go for it. Hopefully they will have the program up and running by then. So, just think: This time next year I am finished my degree! That's only 12 months away...

In other news, regarding our two feline furry babies; they both have colds. Again. Sticky green snot is flying fast and thick (yes, disgusting isn't it?) at our house. But, we took them both to the vet and they now have prescriptions. So hubby and I get to pill the cats, twice a day, for 30 days. Yes, 30 DAYS!!! These infections in kitties can lay dormant for quite some time, so we are really going to try and knock it out of them. To all those who read this blog, I am asking respectfully that you consider making a donation at your local blood bank...because we are going to need transfusions!

Best thing EVER!

Ok, so I don't really have anything to say except I found something really awesome. I mean really really awesome. Words cannot explain how awesome this thing is. To check out this awesome thing, please click here.

And just because I feel like I should have a picture of something on this blog. Here you go...

Herding cats...

So I tried to have some new photos to post of Dexter and Piper, but trying to photograph those two is like well...herding cats.

Having these two babies in the house has been a bittersweet transition. Although we love them very much, we are reminded every day of Rusty and how much we miss him. Dexter paddles in his water dish just like Rusty and Piper refuses to sit still at this age, also just like Rusty. But there are differences too, Piper bites everything. Everything. Freud would say he is stuck in the oral stage. Everything must be experienced through his mouth. Shoes, toes, blankets, Dexter...you name it. He's not mean, just exploratory. Dexter has no inhibition. He loves everything and will try anything and makes the cutest little squished cat sound when Piper lands on him.

Over the past few days we have been letting them out of their room for a few hours at a time while we are home. Eric and I were upstairs; I trying to study and he resting, while the two of them were exploring. The next half an hour went like this:

1) Dexter on the bed
2) Piper on the bed
3) Keira concerned
4) Dexter running laps on the bed
5) Dexter sitting on Eric's back
6) Piper regarding
7) Keira concerned, but really wanting to play on the bed too.
8) Dexter and Piper booted off the bed, Keira invited up.
9) Dexter on the bed
10) Piper on the bed
11) Keira off the bed
12) Dexter and Piper beating each other up, usually while sitting on Eric
13) Keira concerned
14) Dexter and Piper booted off the bed. Again.
15) Keira sniffs Kitties
16) Kitties under bed...for now
17) Piper chewing on laptop cable
18) Dexter on the bed
19) Dexter chewing on text book (which now has kitty teeth marks in it)
20) Dexter booted off the bed
21) Dexter on the bed
22) Dexter OFF the bed
23) Dexter on the bed
24) Piper on the bed
25) Keira on the bed
26) Becky off the bed
27) Piper, Dexter and Keira off the bed. Laptop unplugged.
28) Eric giggling...forgets himself and wiggles his toes under the blanket.
29) Dexter on the bed
30) Piper on the bed, biting Eric's toes...under the blankets.

Lesson learned: Shut the bedroom door! :)

And since I have no picture of my own kittehs...I leave you with this LOL cat.

Mortality.

She is 4 months old and she is dying. Born premature with severe neurological deficits, this little peanut will not likely not survive much longer. I held her today for 2 hours while she cried and then rested, and then cried again. Her voice is weak and where most other infants would have a lusty cry at being poked and prodded, she doesn't even open her eyes. When you assess her, you notice things that just should not be: her toes are always spread apart and her arms unfurl only grudgingly.

I have a bruise on the back of my hand from where my watch was digging in... I just didn't have the heart to move her when she finally settled.

I'm not talking about this to glorify what I do, or even to seek sympathy. Almost everyone I know would have done just exactly what I did today. I'm talking about this experience because I need an outlet.

Can you imagine what her family must be going through? I am privileged to know more details then most people would and I can not begin to fathom it. The grief must be unbearable. I guess I just can't wrap my mind around what that must be like.

I think that what surprises me the most about this experience is that I have nothing profound to say (not that I am a particularly profound person!). Before you go into a day like today you think that when you experience something like this that you will have this great epiphany; that you will somehow come to understand your own mortality in a different way. But you know, as I sat there watching her little face...all I could think was...was "what a sweet little girl" and "this is so unbelievably awfully sad". I came out of this experience with no new insight or life changing revelation. I think I came away with a simple form of love. It's really the only way I can describe this feeling. I feel privileged to have been part of this little one's life and yah, I do have love for her and her family. It's an odd feeling to love a complete stranger, but I really think that's the only way you can describe it.

I am well aware that this sounds very "virtue script-esque" or "stereotypical" for someone in my profession. My question for those who are skeptics is: how else can you deal with someone else's mortality, but through love?

Peanut.

Wow, the first post of 2009. I feel privileged to be alive today. The snow is falling gently and the sandwich being eaten by the anonymous person beside me smells delicious. Really, if those are the two things on my mind at this moment, I am indeed privileged.

I should not say that those are the only two things on my mind. Truthfully there is a lot more then that going on. I had my second pediatric/maternity course today and I believe that my love of mental health is about to be superseded by a love for moms and babies. "Peanut" seems to be a term of endearment that several instructors have used when they refer to a little one they are/or have been caring for. I like that. I also like that this morning my prof encouraged all of us in the class to be the HCP that takes the time to bring water to a new mom while breast feeding, to take the 3 year old sibling to the play room or to be the one to cry or laugh with the family. That appeals to me in every possible way. You see, so far I have been pretty nervous about letting my own personality infuse into my practice. I am so concerned with being politically correct and culturally sensitive that I do not allow mySELF to come through. Living like this is extremely fatiguing and feels unnatural so this semester I will try something different. I will maintain my professionalism and all that accompanies this, but I will also allow mySELF to come through. I will laugh, I will cry, I will love and I will likely be a bit of a goof (hey, I can't help it!). But I will NOT be anyone but mySELF.

I learned yesterday that the motto for the first nursing school in St. Catherines, ON was "I see and am silent". Well, not anymore. I am meeting Peanut tomorrow and I can hardly wait.