Mortality.

She is 4 months old and she is dying. Born premature with severe neurological deficits, this little peanut will not likely not survive much longer. I held her today for 2 hours while she cried and then rested, and then cried again. Her voice is weak and where most other infants would have a lusty cry at being poked and prodded, she doesn't even open her eyes. When you assess her, you notice things that just should not be: her toes are always spread apart and her arms unfurl only grudgingly.

I have a bruise on the back of my hand from where my watch was digging in... I just didn't have the heart to move her when she finally settled.

I'm not talking about this to glorify what I do, or even to seek sympathy. Almost everyone I know would have done just exactly what I did today. I'm talking about this experience because I need an outlet.

Can you imagine what her family must be going through? I am privileged to know more details then most people would and I can not begin to fathom it. The grief must be unbearable. I guess I just can't wrap my mind around what that must be like.

I think that what surprises me the most about this experience is that I have nothing profound to say (not that I am a particularly profound person!). Before you go into a day like today you think that when you experience something like this that you will have this great epiphany; that you will somehow come to understand your own mortality in a different way. But you know, as I sat there watching her little face...all I could think was...was "what a sweet little girl" and "this is so unbelievably awfully sad". I came out of this experience with no new insight or life changing revelation. I think I came away with a simple form of love. It's really the only way I can describe this feeling. I feel privileged to have been part of this little one's life and yah, I do have love for her and her family. It's an odd feeling to love a complete stranger, but I really think that's the only way you can describe it.

I am well aware that this sounds very "virtue script-esque" or "stereotypical" for someone in my profession. My question for those who are skeptics is: how else can you deal with someone else's mortality, but through love?