start.

I was there this week for three new beginnings. Wide open eyes, unfocused and searching. Arms reaching, hands grasping and legs flutter-kicking. Two people looking at each other over a squirming, crying, angry wet baby.

"There is no word to describe how awesome you are"

"He is so perfect!"

"I love you"

"You're finally here. We did it, I did it"

As quietly as we can, we move through the room; not daring to disturb this sacred moment. We use dad's unattended camera to take a few pictures. They will see them later. The first moments of a new beginning.

"She knows your voice, watch how she turns her head towards you."

"Really?"

"Really. She has been listening to the two of you for the last nine months"

I stand for 12 hours every shift, have used my shoulder to brace a woman's foot as she pushed for 3 hours, ran for countless towels, blankets, cool cloths and warm cloths. I have charted until I thought I would lose my mind...then tried to count a fetal heart rate during labour and I knew I lost my mind (you try counting 180 bpm between contractions!). I have knocked over a stand of birthing balls, been lost trying to find the staff lounge and nearly contaminated a sterile field (I've only been to the OR once before). Listening. Counting. Accel or Decel? ROA or shoulder dystocia? Dilation and effacement, SRM, SVB, PNOB, LSCS...Oh not another acronym please!

I get home and I have blood on my shoe, my ankles are swollen, my hands are dry and cracked, I haven't used the bathroom in 8 hours and I didn't eat supper. My shoulders are killing me and I don't know 1/10 of what I need to know yet...but all I can really think about are those beginnings and how this is SO worth it.

Wa-la-wa-la-wa-luigi...

So I think I may have found a new song for Eric and I. Eric found it and immediately thought of me - probably because I am such a nerd - and I love it! It's by an independent artist named Sam Hart and the title of the song is "Mario Kart Love Song". To listen to the full song, you can check out the YouTube video here (I personally totally dig the yarn mustache!). Otherwise, I have reposted the lyrics for those who want to really read it over, you know, fur the full awesome effect.

---------------------------
Mario Kart Love Song

You be my princess
And I'll be your toad
I'll follow behind you
On rainbow road
Protect you from red shells
Wherever we go
I promise.

No one will touch us
If we pick up a star
And if you spin out
You can ride in my car
When we slide together
We generate sparks
In our wheels and our hearts

The finish line
Is just around the bend
I'll pause this game
So our love will never end
Let's go again

The blue shell is coming
So I'll go ahead
If you hang behind
It'll hit me instead
But never look back
Cause I'm down but not dead
I'll catch up to you

Don't worry about
Bowser or DK
Just eat this glowing mushroom
And they'll all fade away

The finish line
Is just around the bend
I'll pause this game
So our love will never end
Let's go again

The finish line
Is just around the bend
I'll pause this game
So our love will never end
Let's go again

To the mushroom cup
And the flower cup
And the star cup
And the reverse cup
---------------------------

Honestly. This is the best. song. ever. Thank you Sam Hart for filling my heart with Mario Kart love!

I'm such a nerd.

Dorothy.

This picture is of the grain elevator in Dorothy, AB which I took this summer whilst on an adventure. I have always thought that grain elevators must be lonely. For the longest time they were the tallest thing on the prairies - towering above almost everything else. A landmark, a statement and a testament to the will of the people and industry.

I know that this is yet another emo blog entry in a string of emo blogs (well, let's be serious, my last entry was July!), but I gots to write how I feel and right now, I feel pretty darn emotional. I just finished clinical and can now claim that I have been with babes within hours of the start of their life and with adults within hours of the end of theirs. I have always felt that I had an old soul, but it seems it is possible that my soul has aged even further. I feel enriched, but I also feel I gave a part of myself away - and I am all right with that. I was supposed too.

Just a lot to think about, and think I shall while I am knitting. For the third year in a row I am starting a scarf for my beloved. Hopefully this year I will finally finish, I feel more confident now that I have figured out the secret of keeping the edges from curling (thanks Grandma!).

With that final thought, I tip my hand to the world and say good night, fare thee well and I will greet you with a smile in the morning.

Inferno.

I'm rip roaring mad. Spitting nails angry actually. Check out this link to read an article in the Cochrane Eagle which discusses the new Code of Conduct created by Alberta Health Services.

Being a critical consumer of media (which in this age is mandatory), I did not give this article much credence until I read the Code of Conduct myself. Although the document does cover some important topics, there are a number of things I am unimpressed with. The best example is p. 18 Examples of Inappropriate acts include:

"engaging in any conduct that may adversely affect Alberta Health Services or its reputation"

If you think they are just referring to getting drunk in your scrubs and posting pictures of it on Facebook; you're wrong. Page 16, paragraph one states "Public statements on behalf of Alberta Health Services are only to be made by a designated spokesperson" and paragraph two states "If you are approached by the news media to provide information and/or interviews concerning Alberta Health Service's practices or operations, immediately refer all such requests to the Communications Department". Now in the case of a sensationalized medical case, such as the current H1N1 Influenza outbreak at ACH, that makes some modicum of sense. But what about other issues? What about the issues which are inconvenient for politicians to deal with?

If you are interested in reading on, please visit the Code of Conduct here. I have to admit, I feel a bit like someone pulled the wool over my eyes. By working in the region, I believe even as a student, I must adhere to this document. Yet, nobody asked me. If I am a valued member of the team, then how come I can not speak up? Oh I know I can call their toll free number... but what happens if they do not listen? What about taking it to the media? What about taking it to the public? After all, this is public health care which, at least in my mind, equates to a publicly ran business. If you can not accept that, how about the fact that it is publicly funded? Hmmm...publicly ran...publicly funded... so why do we have censor what is said to the public?

I am a huge proponent of acknowledging strengths as well as weaknesses. In fact, I try to practice my life by countering every negative with a positive; but with recent changes to our health care, this is getting harder and harder to do. The basic human rights of Health Professionals in Alberta are being contravened by not allowing us our right to free speech. This document strikes me as something which could be considered unconstitutional. What do you think?

And another opens.

It's hard to write down what has been upon my mind. Truth be told - I'm not really sure I know myself. What I do know is this: dirt between my toes is healing, physical labor is my new meditation and nothing looks sillier then a dog who is smiling, swimming and carrying her ball all at the same time.

Attached to this blog is a photo I took last Thanksgiving at my grandparents house. At the time the image was purely sentimental. Although that nostalgia still persists, when I looked at this photo today something more symbolic looked back at me. Unfortunately, my fingers fail my mind which fails my heart who speaks only in feelings. I will puzzle this out and promise that if an epiphany should fall in my lap, I will share it.

In the meantime I offer you this closed door.

I left my heart in San Francisco.

I don't have much to say tonight, but I thought I would share some of the pics I took while in San Francisco.


Golden Gate Bridge in the fog.


The "Lone Sailor" statue at the Golden Gate Bridge.


A friend and colleague.


Down around Fisherman's Wharf.

More later, stay tuned.

Ode to a Foot

Oh Foot! I am attached to thee.
Yet I am footloose?
And fancy free?

Foot, you have 5 toes
Face, why do you have
only one nose?

Foot you smell like shoe.
Shoe, you smell like sock,
which is not new. Pew.

Foot, I think you are neat.
But what is better,
Is that I have two feet!