I think I heard a Robin.

The old adage that states "Time heals all wounds" is complete and utter bull shit. Clearly spoken by a person who has never truly been wounded. I do believe that Time will help me to live with this wound and that Time will teach me to trust again. Heal this wound? No. There will always be a raw, open, bare and vulnerable hurt on my soul. Of this I am certain and of this I am glad. For it is proof that She. Really. Was.

Last night I thought I heard a Robin.

Our little star...

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder how you are?

I am sure we were having a girl. And on that night in the hospital, as I drifted in and out of consciousness from blood loss, I saw her. She looked like our son, but uniquely different. Her hair was darker, her eyes were brown, but she had the same chubby little hands and the same kissable chin that Caleb has. In this moment, she laid her cheek against mine and I felt something akin to peace. Perhaps it was acceptance? I knew though that I would go on, that we would survive and that someday, I would hold her again.

I love you dear one.

The big 3-0

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 30.
I'm still waiting for this to sink in.

The day was rainy, cozy, calm and quietly enchanting. There was no big surprise party, trip across the country or kitchy "30 isn't old if you are a tree" birthday cards. Admittedly, Eric and I are not the best for making celebratory plans and perhaps we should put forth more of an effort, but for yesterday it felt right. I made a point of capturing some of the days moments on Instagram. Yes, you are about to be subjected to photos of hands, food etc. which really aren't all that well composed - but I used a filter so it looks pretty anyway.

A quiet start to the morning. A few minutes of cuddle time prior to the little guys nap time.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

Took advantage of nap time to take care of some laundry. You know, I still like seeing the folded piles of little pants and shirts? Keira supervised. With her eyes closed. Tough work being dog.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

Peatey, Peatrice and Peanelope.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

My lil' peanut keeping the peas busy.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

Specter. Inspecting.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

I alternated between playing with Caleb, folding laundry and cruising Facebook. Lame? Maybe. Peaceful? Absolutely.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

Capturing a moment in time. His.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

Hers.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

Eric even came home early from work. I especially loved this.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

Cake.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

Ice cream from Cochrane.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

Ice cream is a huge hit.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

Finally, the end of a beautiful day.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

So, do I feel any different today? I'm not sure. I'll get back to you.

Energy Play List

37+0 weeks gestation today! Received permission from by GP that I can go into labor now at any time. Also learned that our monster baby is actually measuring appropriately! Hooray! Perhaps there is hope that my genetics will prevail and not my giant husband (only in regards to infant birth weight of course.) Baby has not dropped yet - which is all right, we still have time. However, I am presently working through some major house cleaning and rocking out to some great tunes while I do it. Would be nice if all the bee-bopping would help this little one settle down. I am also drinking red raspberry leaf tea by the gallon - served iced it is actually quite delicious in the heat.

Being off work the past few weeks has truly been the best thing which could have happened to me and our little family. I am happier, less stressed, sleeping better and actually getting to nest! Eric and I get to spend some couple time together before we are officially on parental duty and a few niggly little chores are getting completed. I really resisted coming off of work and was quite depressed and upset when I had too. I felt like I was letting our family down by not being strong enough to keep working. I know it really has nothing to do with personal strength, but that was what was going through my head. Jah know? 

I guess, as with everything, there is a purpose and grander plan which I am not privy too. Sometimes I get to glimpse the tiniest bit of what is to come, but mostly I am in the dark and to be honest - thank goodness! If I had known ahead of time what I would be asked to face in this lifetime I would be overjoyed, overwhelmed and dismayed all at the same time. I think the technical latin term would be 'non-copus'. I digress. Through it all, somehow we manage to continue to believe that we are not alone in this adventure and that ultimately it is not all for naught. If we do nothing more then believe in the adage "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", well, Eric and I will be some pretty darn strong human beans. And that is comforting. Sort of.

Well, sounds like hubby is in from working on the truck. Good thing we love our Jeep...it's reliable all right. We can rely on something to always need fixing! 

I am currently working on learning a new photo editing software suite...bare with me as the next few pics I post will likely be unedited like this one...which badly needs some cropping :) 

Return and Snotty Pot

Yup, the Robin has returned in Calgary as well. I saw the cheerful little guy on Tuesday evening and have since been hearing them frequently "Cheer-upping" away outside. Awesome.

On a totally different tangent, I tried a Neti Pot. I think they could be more aptly referred to as Snotty Pots. Maybe Neti has some sanscript meaning I am not aware of - but everytime I look at it. I think of snot. Also, Snotty Pot has a bit of a ring to it, right?

Seriously...it's incredible to watch that much mucus pouring forth from your face. It's also really hard not to laugh out loud at the sight of yourself in the mirror with a teapot stuck in one nostril. Also, mad skill is required to use the Snotty Pot effectively and NOT drown yourself. For first timers, I recommend having a rag handy to clean the mirror as you will either: a) laugh out loud, b) sneeze, c) cough, or d) a combination of the above. In rapid fire sequence, your nose and mouth become a reservoir for a surprising amount of salty, mucuosy liquid which will fly from your face at the speed of roughly 12.5 miles/second, creating an intricate expectorant pattern all over the bathroom. It is quite lovely to behold. Especially at 0300 in the morning when you can-not-sleep-and-all-you-really-want-is-some-NeoCitran-but-can't.

Yes. The Snotty Pot. Odd, but effective.

Phallic shaped nostril plug hey? Makes me giggle looking at it...which is not helpful.

 

 

Rumor has it.

Rumor has that Robin's have been sighted. Glory be and Hallelujah! Although the snowflakes are falling gently outside my window pane, I can see the treetops have a subtle green hue to them and I am glad. My day lily's are struggling forth from the frosted ground and there is even a trefoil strawberry making an appearance. Woot.

As mentioned in my last post, it is with the coming of spring that I have promised to be true to myself again - to shake off the winter doldrums, quit living with dust bunnies and truly come forth and BE. So far things seem to be coming along well. I even picked up a pencil this evening and permitted myself to BE creative and draw, something I have not done in ages. Not that the picture itself is worth showing to ANYONE (an artist I am not) but I do need to try once and a while.

Another thing - I am listening to music again. Now for all those country haters out there, I don't want to hear it. To you I say "Pbbbbllllllllttttt". That is all. I happen to love it. I love many many musics, but there is something about Country music which resonates with me. Poor taste? Nah, just a little bit of gravel roads, spruce gum and bare foot therapy.

Aspelund Road Sunset

Ever onward I go again.

I had a dream.

I had a dream last night that I found Duncan and Annie's grave marker. They were together - and I cried as I slept because I was so glad. Many other thoughts flew through my mind last night, but I am struck with this memory.

It is coming to be spring again and my soul really does rejoice. I love the white, the crisp and the crunchiness of winter but spring is where I really live. I think it is the combination of the long walk this morning - taking in the very first that spring has to offer, and my memory of the dream that reminds me to come into myself again. To be faithful to who I am and trust that what I believe to be right, Is.

I ruminate and am rewarded by an internal physical acknowledgement of my presence. And of bean.
Goodness but it IS good to be here.

The Rose Tombstone

Rebecca & Maureen's Excellent Relative Adventure: Part 1

Duncan and Annie McLeod - we are on the hunt to find the graves of some of my dead ancestors. I will have more information to follow in future blogs regarding the specifics/pedigree, but in the meantime, what you need to know is this:

Mom and I are in Ontario.
We are staying with my Grandparents (who are awesome).
We fearlessly navigated the airport, twice - and rented a car.
My ancestors were originally from the Isle of Lewis.
Eric is home by himself - casserole donations are appreciated.

For now though, enjoy a few of the photos I have taken. Not many yet, but there will be more to come.

One of many tombstones to come...

My foot and Mom's foot!

This bridge was not over troubled waters...very calm. Very peaceful!

Some of my favorite things.

I'm still thinking on how best to commemorate a year of nursing through photos. It's not an easy task because I can't really just bring my camera to work. Other then the delicate nature of my area of practice (labour & delivery) there are other issues such as privacy, confidentiality, my general lack of medical supplies at home...essentially, no chance I would/could take photos at the workplace. Wow, I can only imagine the negative repercussions that would have!

What I can use for props are my stethescope, ID/swipe card, name badge, bandage scissors, clamp, pen (x2), sharpie, penlight, alcohol swab or two, pair of non-sterile gloves, OR hat, maybe a belly-band button if I have one, reference cards and a tourniquet. Hard to photograph, but I also always have my brain, my hands and my heart. These are the tools I carry with me wherever I go. It's actually part of my pre-shift routine - check each pocket to ensure all stuff that should be there is there. My scrubs are laundered at the hospital as I am expected to be able to enter our operating theaters at a moments notice - no outside clothing! My work shoes are black Birkenstock clogs with a non-slip grip and full back. They are nasty and will not be coming home with me. When they are worn out, they will be disposed of in a bio-hazard bag. No joke. The amount of 'stuff' that gets on them...let's just say the non-slip grip was a VERY good investment.

Other then that, I have my resources at home. They include:

• Penny Simkin's "The Birth Partner: A Complete Guide to Childbirth for Dads, Doulas and All Other Labor Companions" 3rd Edition
• Ina May Gaskin's "Ina May's Guide to Breastfeeding"
• Ina May Gaskin's "Spiritual Midwifery" 4th Edition
• The work of Reva Rubin regarding the phases of motherhood
• The work of Jean Watson regarding her Theory of Caring
• Resources accessible from MOREOb (Managing Obstetrical Risk Effectively)
• Elizabeth Davis' "Heart & Hands: A Midwife's Guide to Pregnancy and Birth" 4th Edition
• Kathleen R. Simpson & Patricia A. Creehan's "Perinatal Nursing" put out by the Association of Women's Health, Obstetric and Neonatal Nurses, 3rd Edition
• Wong, Hockenberry, Wilson, Perry & Lowdermilk's "Maternal Child Nursing Care" 3rd Edition
• Policies and Procedures developed and utilized by AHS

(You know, I feel guilty not listing these resources in APA format - how well conditioned am I?)

Huh. So. Now that I look at the list, there actually is a fair amount of material to work with. Now I just need to wait for the creative bug to bite and capture some images. Anywho, a snapshot for those who are interested about what I do/think/reference/use in a day at work.

And now for some other photos!

This was from  a set of photos I took back in January when I was first trying out the camera. This is a Christmas mug with honey-ginseng green tea. I was playing around with different angles on the kitchen counter to capture the light streaming through the window.

Early spring sky (April 30) taken just outside the Aspelund Community Hall in Lacombe County, AB.  Many good memories of this little hall. 

In another, completely unrelated, note. Eric is listening to a song in which the main chorus is "I breathe Air...yeah. I breathe Air...yeah. And you're taken' my air. I can't breathe."

Wow. Whoever wrote those lyrics must have an advanced degree in English Lit.

Why a pansy of course! Taken a day or two ago. Location: my front yard. Cheerful little thing isn't it?

 And if anyone needed a song to get them going in the morning, I particularly like this remix of ACDC's Thunderstruck by Crooker.

And that is all. For now. Carpet cleaning and reorganizing the office awaits me this afternoon. I will squeeze in time to harass the cats and pat the dog.

C'mon!

Once again, I'm sitting here with a Piper cat on my lap and my laptop balanced on the extreme end of my knees. What is different from the last post then? I'm listening to Tiesto and Diplo dual it out. Sweet.

Eric and I have been trying something new this week (don't worry, no reference to kinky activities will be made here). We are going for a walk every morning, including after night shifts for me. Admittedly, I was not very excited about doing MORE walking after shift, my feet throb and pulsate enough without recreationally adding to it. However, with commitment to our health in my mind; we did it. And it has been a wonderful thing. The opportunity for taking photos that early in the morning is tremendous! Especially with clear skies and that morning light - stunning. I have two photos from a set I took yesterday morning. There will be more coming, but I have not been inspired with the post-processing of them yet.

The other bonus of taking photos early in the morning is that you do not have people staring out their windows at you while you are capturing images of the flowers they have planted along their sidewalks. Don't worry, I'm not scampering around on people's private property - just imaging what is readily imageable.

I love this photo! I have been experimenting with different filters (this is an infrared one) and thought the result was eye-appealing. Some days I find myself thinking along the lines of a puritan - the photos I capture must be as close to the original image with minimal editing required. Then there are days like today where the photo couldn't be further then the original scene! I think it is important to dally and try and create; but when someone asks me which style I prefer or to define my photo preferences...I can't. Oh well. Too bad for them.

Hah! Eric's listening to a song now that sounds like the refrain is "Nancy...oh Nancy". Of course maybe it's "Pantsy...oh Pantsy". I personally would be very amused if they were singing about pants. There should be more songs about pants...

(passage of about three minutes)

...so I just googled "songs about pants" and found about 79,400,000 results in 0.14 seconds. I guess the world doesn't need any more songs about pants. Maybe there should be a song about Nancy pants.

(passage of about 45 seconds)

Yah I just googled Nancy pants. The Google monster had to work harder for this one, in 0.21 seconds we found (I use the pronoun 'we' as I feel I am a vital and valued part of our relationship [that is the relationship between Google and myself]) about 15,900,000 results.

(I'm textually {It smells [Did you like that brackets within brackets?] crazy!} challenged.)

According to the urban dictionary:
 

Nancy Pants (nah-nn-SEE PAH-nn-tss): A person in an organization (usually in sales) that is definitely a male, but has some very strange metro-sexual, gay, or effeminate traits.

Wild! The internet is just AWESOME.

This last photo is another one of the set I took while poking around Takaka falls in May. I love black and white photos. As I continue along my photography journey, I am learning that you can't simply just convert all color photos to black and white. Well, physically you can - but half of them look like crap. 

 Well, Piper has left my lap and the washing machine has finished washing - should probably get up. Maybe I'll go find Piper and sit on him...

Blast from the past.

So I am sitting here, for the first time in a long time, not knowing what to do with myself. Struck my a bolt of melancholy I think. The house is clean, I finished my book, Eric is working, it's hot and I don't feel motivated to do anything but sit and be hermity. So I looked at some old pictures and found this one - that's Keira when she was 4-5 months old. The car she is sitting under is our old Pontiac Grand AM.

Crazy hey?

Holy Mole Artichokey!

A post this long overdue deserves a corny title.

So I'm sitting here. Trying to type this blog while Piper is simultaneously loving me. Actually, loving might be to weak of a word. Attacked perhaps? Molested? Certainly I am being used. It's hard to write anything with a cat head bonking you in an attempt to get at your sweater strings, drooling (because he is purring so hard), and wiggling his bum onto the keyboard with his tail constantly over the line of text I am composing. As I sit on the couch, I keep moving the laptop further off my knees to keep the cat off of it, in return he keeps scooching down even further. Soon, the laptop will be on the floor and the cat will have won. The things I put up with.

There, I think he's finally settled in somewhat. My arms are extended as far as they will reach as my laptop is at maximum distance away from me. I have cat snot across my chin from where he smoothed me and there is a fuzzy in my nose. Perfect. At least he's finally holding still. Sort of.

So what have I been up to? Not really much actually. Same 'ole schedule of work and housework. Of note though, we are painting the upstairs bedroom. Since it's empty we figured we should seize the opportunity for change.  Eric calls it Kermit the Frog Green - and in reality, it does kind of look like we skinned a muppet and tacked it to the walls. It's very very green. But I'm liking it - It will remain empty for now, but I think that once we get some furniture in there with the curtains up, the green will not be so alarming. At least that is the hope!

side note: Cat is now looking adoringly at me while still purring - which means still drooling. It's so funny, all morning I have been chasing him around the house with a squirt bottle because he's been such a terror, but now he's the most lovable widdle fing in dah whole wide world...I am not fooled. Jerk.

Anywho, thought I would post some pics. These are just a smattering of the 1600 photos I uploaded this morning. Hopefully will post some more soon.

A little blue flower (have not looked up the species yet) found on July long weekend by Ghost Lake Reservoir

A baby spruce tree found on the weekend of May 30, taken just outside Takaka Falls, AB. I have named him Alfie, like the Christmas tree in the John Denver carol.

An amazing wild rose taken in the evening light at Red Lodge Provincial Park on June 26, 2011. The entire campground was filled with wild roses - all of them in their prime!

Another wild rose - this photo taken in the morning, after the rain, on June 25, 2011. Same place.

An oldie but a goldie - well, not that old actually. This photo was taken just behind my friend's house on the outskirts of Calgary on May 6, 2011. Alberta skies never cease to capture my interest and take my breath away.

The sun shines through my window.

The title to this blog really has no significant meaning. The sun really is shining through the window. It's quite pretty actually. The light is highlighting each individual pine needle. Each needle is one half golden green and the other half deep forest green. I love it.

It actually rained today, which gave me an opportunity to play outside on the paving stones. After I was done with that, I decided to take some pictures.

These are the strawberries that my dear brother and sister gave me for a birthday a few years back. They were the third thing to sprout this spring. The first was a dandelion (of course), the second were my day lilies (I almost typed dandelions there...)

This was the fourth and fifth thing to sprout. The red spikeys are my new peony. It's a part of the original plant which belonged to my Great Great Grandmother. The tradition has always been that when somebody moves, they bring a piece of that original peony with them to their new house. The green sprout are some chives which tagged along for the ride from my Grandma's house.

These photos are part of another series I took using some water on my counter. There are more of them which I may post soon, but for now this is what I have to share.

It's almost been one year since I graduated from University and I have been thinking about doing a series of photos that are 'nursey' to celebrate. I'm still pondering how to set it up and which things to capture, but I'm getting really excited and that usually means creativity will follow. I am also going to challenge myself to write something meaningful. It's been a while since I was forced to write a paper on how I was feeling about feeling my feelings...and that deserves commemoration. Until then, adieu! I leave you with a photo of Dexter. I would have added pics of the other two, but they would not hold still enough. So they get left out. So there.

Doesn't he look smug?

Calling on creativity

The house is cleaned, the dog is walked and supper has been made. Eric is off writing a final so the dual monitors are mine to play with! As part of my challenge to myself to grow myself, myself took some more photos playing with some of the tips provided by another self. It has been lots of fun and I find it very satisfying to capture a small part of the beauty present in this life.

 As to be expected, many of the images taken do not make the cut, but the following candle pictures turned out all right I think.

Looking at the photo now, it bothers me the candle is not centred in the dish. Also, if you look really close, you can just make out a cat hair on the very top of the candle. Oh the joys of living with kitties!

The actual candle is a creamy white, even though in this picture it looks orange. However, with the flame providing back light, the wax does take on a warmer hue.

Ok, so this has nothing to do with growing my photography skills. This was about playing with my photo editing software and showcasing just how CUTE my kitties can be ... when they aren't trying to kill each other.

I am heading into one evening and three night shifts - wish me luck! And please, would someone ask the Robin to be awake for me on the way home in the morning? His cheerful song is pleasing and hopeful.

I am Tabula Rasa...at least today.

Keira and I have been enjoying some pleasant afternoon walks this week. For the past three days we have been accompanied by gaggles of Canadian geese. On the first day I thought to myself: "Self, are those silly birds are just waiting until NOW to fly away!?!" On the second day I thought "...perhaps they came north only to find it was still winter and are now flying back?" Today I am hoping that they must portend the coming of spring! Even the optimistic chickadees are agreeing with me as they sang cheerful songs of "Springs Here" most of the day.

I took the photo below, yesterday afternoon, when the afternoon light was at its warmest. Flowers on my window sill are an indulgence that I have been quite enjoying the past few weeks. Their cheer takes away some of the gloom of -30 C weather.

To my own critical eye, the broken petal in front and the spot on the petal to the right rear bother me. But honestly; nothing in nature is perfect. That is why it is. Perfect.

Their cheer also reminds me of the joyfulness which is an ever present, yet under recognized, component of the human condition. Over the last few days I have been eye-deep in literature on the weird and complicated ways in which mothers and babies can die in pregnancy. It is very heavy material to cover and comes with a learning curve which really has nothing curvy about it (really, why don't we just call it a learning-ladder? You know, straight up!). Surprisingly though, in the midst of the "nobody makes it alive out of pregnancy" content, something as simple as these flowers brings me joy. Huge joy! My personality is such that I naturally meditate on the serious and grave. I am a worrier and a stresser - yet my innate human must be an optimist because these random imperfectly perfect 'things' bring a profoundly simple, yet pure joy. I wonder then, is it my soul which smiles when my brain ponders?

Credit where credit is due.

So who would have thought that going through bank statements could be such a walk down memory lane?

January: U of C purchases for myself starting a new semester (books and such)
February: First time I bought lunch at the hospital while doing my final focus
April: Buying supplies for my dear sister the day my lovely niece was born.
May: Eric buying things in California (the first time we have been apart for that long). Me buying lunch at Rockyview Hospital during my orientation. Studying for the CRNE with my mom.
June: Celebrating writing my CRNE exam, my first pay cheque from AHS. Celebrating with my mom for retraining to be an RN (again, what an amazing woman!)
July: Visits with family, no more pay cheques from Eric's old job (!), helping reno a house
August: Camping with family, Piper being sick, celebrating becoming an RN, going for a holiday
September: Eric starting school, me starting a full time line.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Maybe not a lot to someone just reading this, but for me going over my financial history line by line, I sure remember 2010 as being a HUGE year for us. So many prayers answered, so many blessings bestowed upon us, so much hard work. Some tears, lots of laughs, sleepless nights and sleep-in mornings. Wow. I am thankful.

There's that thing.

You know the saying "You learn something new every day"? Well. Here is what I have learned today. Courtesy of the BBCs Top Gear TV show, I learned about Bovril. Bovril is a hot drink favored by some chaps as an alternative to tea, coffee, hot cocoa etc. on a cold day. It's purported to be a healthy and nutritious drink, famed for its restorative and fortifying qualities. It is made of ground up cows.

I have nothing against eating meat. I just can not wrap my mind around choosing soup broth over coffee. I suppose if I was malnourished and had just spent the last four months living in a shack in the Arctic, evading curious polar bears and sustaining myself off boiled-boot water; liquid beef might sound appealing. But I doubt it. It hearkens to mind the time my dad got his new dentures. Instead of choosing to eat soft foods for a few days, to pamper his poor mouth, he just threw everything in the blender. Steak, mashed potatoes and peas is a terrible looking smoothy.

Personal dietary preferences aside, the website for Bovril is really quite well done. It's not very often that one finds such an interactive virtual interface, dedicated to one small, albeit popular, product line. The branding which Bovril has is very impressive. I also appreciate the 'cheese' factor. The site is campy and appeals to my inner goof. I encourage all of my readers (yes, both of you) to visit the Bovril website.

Perhaps if I spent less of my time focusing on whether or not it is acceptable to drink a bovine beverage, I might get more pre-reading done for my triage & antepartum course. Procrastination is an appealing, yet inevitably frustrating and/or disappointing mentor. Meh.

Oh learning...how I love thee and hate thee all at the same time. Nothing has the power to terrify me or inspire me like you do. I beseech you, never leave me. For without this capacity, I would be toast.

Hang gliding on a Dorrito

This makes me laugh. Enjoy it!

Bunch of money grabbing...

Seriously! Paying for internet like we would pay for a natural resource like water or gas!?! Or something like electricity which requires large scale industry to produce? It's the internet! Yes there are infrastructure costs involved. Yes there are employment and other overhead costs involved - but we are not talking about a finite resource here. We pay a monthly fee for the service. Case closed.

Click here to sign the petition.

Something fluffy...

...yes, that could refer to any number of living things in my house right now. But what I am thinking of is something fluffy for my brain. Today was a really long day. A reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaalllllllyyyyy loooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggg day. 12 hours and only one break is a long time to go without food, water or the potty (yes, I called it the potty). So consequently, I yam home. Wrapped in a snuggy. Fed and watered. Settled in to watch Fantastic Mr. Fox. Possibly the best movie made from a book ever. A grand claim to make, but I stand the cuss behind it.