I think I heard a Robin.

The old adage that states "Time heals all wounds" is complete and utter bull shit. Clearly spoken by a person who has never truly been wounded. I do believe that Time will help me to live with this wound and that Time will teach me to trust again. Heal this wound? No. There will always be a raw, open, bare and vulnerable hurt on my soul. Of this I am certain and of this I am glad. For it is proof that She. Really. Was.

Last night I thought I heard a Robin.

Our little star...

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder how you are?

I am sure we were having a girl. And on that night in the hospital, as I drifted in and out of consciousness from blood loss, I saw her. She looked like our son, but uniquely different. Her hair was darker, her eyes were brown, but she had the same chubby little hands and the same kissable chin that Caleb has. In this moment, she laid her cheek against mine and I felt something akin to peace. Perhaps it was acceptance? I knew though that I would go on, that we would survive and that someday, I would hold her again.

I love you dear one.

The big 3-0

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 30.
I'm still waiting for this to sink in.

The day was rainy, cozy, calm and quietly enchanting. There was no big surprise party, trip across the country or kitchy "30 isn't old if you are a tree" birthday cards. Admittedly, Eric and I are not the best for making celebratory plans and perhaps we should put forth more of an effort, but for yesterday it felt right. I made a point of capturing some of the days moments on Instagram. Yes, you are about to be subjected to photos of hands, food etc. which really aren't all that well composed - but I used a filter so it looks pretty anyway.

A quiet start to the morning. A few minutes of cuddle time prior to the little guys nap time.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

Took advantage of nap time to take care of some laundry. You know, I still like seeing the folded piles of little pants and shirts? Keira supervised. With her eyes closed. Tough work being dog.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

Peatey, Peatrice and Peanelope.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

My lil' peanut keeping the peas busy.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

Specter. Inspecting.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

I alternated between playing with Caleb, folding laundry and cruising Facebook. Lame? Maybe. Peaceful? Absolutely.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

Capturing a moment in time. His.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

Hers.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

Eric even came home early from work. I especially loved this.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

Cake.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

Ice cream from Cochrane.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

Ice cream is a huge hit.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

Finally, the end of a beautiful day.

Source: statigr.am via Rebecca on Pinterest

So, do I feel any different today? I'm not sure. I'll get back to you.

Energy Play List

37+0 weeks gestation today! Received permission from by GP that I can go into labor now at any time. Also learned that our monster baby is actually measuring appropriately! Hooray! Perhaps there is hope that my genetics will prevail and not my giant husband (only in regards to infant birth weight of course.) Baby has not dropped yet - which is all right, we still have time. However, I am presently working through some major house cleaning and rocking out to some great tunes while I do it. Would be nice if all the bee-bopping would help this little one settle down. I am also drinking red raspberry leaf tea by the gallon - served iced it is actually quite delicious in the heat.

Being off work the past few weeks has truly been the best thing which could have happened to me and our little family. I am happier, less stressed, sleeping better and actually getting to nest! Eric and I get to spend some couple time together before we are officially on parental duty and a few niggly little chores are getting completed. I really resisted coming off of work and was quite depressed and upset when I had too. I felt like I was letting our family down by not being strong enough to keep working. I know it really has nothing to do with personal strength, but that was what was going through my head. Jah know? 

I guess, as with everything, there is a purpose and grander plan which I am not privy too. Sometimes I get to glimpse the tiniest bit of what is to come, but mostly I am in the dark and to be honest - thank goodness! If I had known ahead of time what I would be asked to face in this lifetime I would be overjoyed, overwhelmed and dismayed all at the same time. I think the technical latin term would be 'non-copus'. I digress. Through it all, somehow we manage to continue to believe that we are not alone in this adventure and that ultimately it is not all for naught. If we do nothing more then believe in the adage "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", well, Eric and I will be some pretty darn strong human beans. And that is comforting. Sort of.

Well, sounds like hubby is in from working on the truck. Good thing we love our Jeep...it's reliable all right. We can rely on something to always need fixing! 

I am currently working on learning a new photo editing software suite...bare with me as the next few pics I post will likely be unedited like this one...which badly needs some cropping :) 

Return and Snotty Pot

Yup, the Robin has returned in Calgary as well. I saw the cheerful little guy on Tuesday evening and have since been hearing them frequently "Cheer-upping" away outside. Awesome.

On a totally different tangent, I tried a Neti Pot. I think they could be more aptly referred to as Snotty Pots. Maybe Neti has some sanscript meaning I am not aware of - but everytime I look at it. I think of snot. Also, Snotty Pot has a bit of a ring to it, right?

Seriously...it's incredible to watch that much mucus pouring forth from your face. It's also really hard not to laugh out loud at the sight of yourself in the mirror with a teapot stuck in one nostril. Also, mad skill is required to use the Snotty Pot effectively and NOT drown yourself. For first timers, I recommend having a rag handy to clean the mirror as you will either: a) laugh out loud, b) sneeze, c) cough, or d) a combination of the above. In rapid fire sequence, your nose and mouth become a reservoir for a surprising amount of salty, mucuosy liquid which will fly from your face at the speed of roughly 12.5 miles/second, creating an intricate expectorant pattern all over the bathroom. It is quite lovely to behold. Especially at 0300 in the morning when you can-not-sleep-and-all-you-really-want-is-some-NeoCitran-but-can't.

Yes. The Snotty Pot. Odd, but effective.

Phallic shaped nostril plug hey? Makes me giggle looking at it...which is not helpful.

 

 

Rumor has it.

Rumor has that Robin's have been sighted. Glory be and Hallelujah! Although the snowflakes are falling gently outside my window pane, I can see the treetops have a subtle green hue to them and I am glad. My day lily's are struggling forth from the frosted ground and there is even a trefoil strawberry making an appearance. Woot.

As mentioned in my last post, it is with the coming of spring that I have promised to be true to myself again - to shake off the winter doldrums, quit living with dust bunnies and truly come forth and BE. So far things seem to be coming along well. I even picked up a pencil this evening and permitted myself to BE creative and draw, something I have not done in ages. Not that the picture itself is worth showing to ANYONE (an artist I am not) but I do need to try once and a while.

Another thing - I am listening to music again. Now for all those country haters out there, I don't want to hear it. To you I say "Pbbbbllllllllttttt". That is all. I happen to love it. I love many many musics, but there is something about Country music which resonates with me. Poor taste? Nah, just a little bit of gravel roads, spruce gum and bare foot therapy.

Aspelund Road Sunset

Ever onward I go again.

I had a dream.

I had a dream last night that I found Duncan and Annie's grave marker. They were together - and I cried as I slept because I was so glad. Many other thoughts flew through my mind last night, but I am struck with this memory.

It is coming to be spring again and my soul really does rejoice. I love the white, the crisp and the crunchiness of winter but spring is where I really live. I think it is the combination of the long walk this morning - taking in the very first that spring has to offer, and my memory of the dream that reminds me to come into myself again. To be faithful to who I am and trust that what I believe to be right, Is.

I ruminate and am rewarded by an internal physical acknowledgement of my presence. And of bean.
Goodness but it IS good to be here.

The Rose Tombstone